Have you ever looked across a playground and wondered why a certain
child is misbehaving in horrible ways while the mother is sitting on the bench
looking totally exhausted? I’ll bet your first thought would be to advise the
mother of better parenting techniques. Right? I understand because I use to
believe the same thoughts and now I know better!
I attended church every Sunday and was taught to lose myself in service
to others. I was taught to love others the way I was supposed to love myself,
so of course I reached out to take two of the most adorable children in the
world into my home as my own. I did not understand they had trauma related
disturbances to work through. I did not understand how much work it would take
to teach them security. I did not know the extent of the emotional injuries
they had endured, or how it had affected their brains, or how it would affect
the way they would react to my way of doing life. My life became a whirlwind of
doctor and therapy appointments for my two youngest children and left very
little time for anything else. I lost precious moments with my husband, other
children, close relatives, extended relatives and friends. It was the most
isolated time of my life. It is pretty common for ladies in these situations to
lose their husband to another woman but I was one of the lucky ones and mine
stayed.
I’ll never forget the day that my little six-year-old wanted to ride a
new bike. I dressed my child appropriately for the adventure including a
helmet. I checked the empty street and went to get my lemonade so I could sit
on the porch and watch over my child, I wasn’t gone for more than a minute and
there was a woman standing on my front porch when I came back. If looks could
have killed I would be dead. She yelled at me and pointed at the bike in the
street in front of her car! She was mad I had not put a helmet on my child… but
I had put a helmet on my child! It was soon after the experience I realized the
child was suicidal at the young age of six-years-old. (It would be normal for
the reader to think, “Why did she leave to get the lemonade?” Right? It’s so
typical for the human mind to want to judge situations.) Most kids would not
throw the helmet off and purposely ride a bike in front of an oncoming car.
Apparently, the experiment was more important to this child than safety. What
will happen if the car hits me? There were many more experiments with pain for
this poor kid. I barely survived all the attempts this child performed against the
fragile little body. I found it literally impossible to keep the child safe and
it was the most exhausting way to live. I survived raising my last two children
but I watch as other parents go through the same ordeals with their kids and
try to advocate for them because nobody was there for me.
Let me explain how hard parenting is when a child doesn’t feel the need
to attach to their world, or new family, I would guess there’s nothing to lose.
Special toys don’t seem to bring the same joy other children feel. Roasting
marshmallows by the fire can seem pretty boring if the child’s mind is spinning
out of control. Most movies are filled with emotionally based lessons and these
kids are having a really hard time understanding their own emotions to worry
about whether they are hurting other people’s feelings or try to figure out the
emotions of others… so movies don’t go over well. There are so many ordeals these
marvelous parents go through while raising a marvelous child from traumatic
backgrounds. I can’t even mention some of the other adventures we endure but we
have our private Facebook support groups for those moments because other people
would not believe us, understand us or they would judge us. As parents we find
ways to help each other keep the unconditional love going for these kids. It’s
really hard teaching children how to love and bond!
Please be nice to these poor burned out parents. They are amazing and
give up so much to help these wonderful kids. Next time you see the exhausted
mom sitting on the bench at the park buy her a soft drink and tell her to keep
up the great work she is doing to help her child! #dewcrewbooks #childrensbooks #reactiveattachmentdisorder #developmentaltraumadisorder #complextraumadisorder
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