NO! GO AWAY!

     I remember we moved into a new neighborhood when my children were still young. My oldest boy had some girls come over to welcome him to the neighborhood because they thought he was cute. My youngest boy was in the bathtub when the doorbell rang so I put a towel around him and went to answer the door. I pulled the drain and left the toddler standing in the towel; as I opened the front door the group of girls screamed and ran away! I turned around to see that my toddler was standing behind me with the towel wide open to show his naked little body to the world! The toddler giggled with glee while I turned a few shades of red; this was not my favorite moment in life. My sweet toddler had no idea of how inappropriate his behavior was because his brain was not old enough for that kind of thinking, but the girls knew he was wrong and ran away.  

     Science has proven repeated viewing of naked bodies can actually rewire a person’s brain. It triggers the brain to pump out chemicals and form new pathways leading to lasting changes in the brain. People who look at naked bodies repeatedly can actually have brains that become less connected, less active and even physically smaller in some areas.  People who repeatedly look at pornography develop what is called a neuronal pathway and it's like creating a pathway in a forest. Every time the person looks at naked pictures of other people he/she uses that pathway and it gets wider and becomes more permanent; then the pathway in the brain creates a need to think about naked bodies every day, all day long, and that is called an addictive behavior. A person can actually fall into a dream-like state of mind to forget what time it is and other really important things he/she should be doing. Here’s the worst part of looking at other peoples’ naked bodies, you start to forget about the light they carry inside their heart and your mind starts to believe the other person is like a toy to be played with. The addiction can become so strong in some people they stop caring about touching people in nice ways and they start to touch people in wrong ways. The pathway in their brain has become so wide and deep they have created a monster inside their own brain.

     There are many times in my life where something happened to create a deep pathway in my brain. The memory of my toddler standing naked in front of the group of girls on my front porch has remained with me for many years and I’m sure it has remained with the sweet group of girls who ran away; but we were surprised by an adorable harmless little boy who was not old enough to understand his behavior.

     I have a major warning for boys and girls of all ages… you do not want to be surprised by naked bodies. There are people old enough to know better and they have pathways in their brains that are not working right because they choose to see naked bodies. There are beautiful places on our bodies people should not ask to touch or see. I call these places the swim suit places. There is a reason swim suits cover these special body parts because they will grow to have great powers. When you are a grown up you will understand the special powers as they start to grow. Right now it will be hard for you to understand the powers, because you don't have them yet, so you will learn about them when you become a teenager. Young child brains are not ready to have that learning because a brain needs to learn it’s A,B,C’s first. There is a time and place for everything and your parents know why… so listen to them! They will teach you the lessons you need to know at a time when you need to know the lessons. Don’t try learning things before your brain is ready to learn them. You cannot be President of the United States at your age because you still have a lot to learn.
      If anybody asks if they can touch the swim suit place on your body you can use your super power and proudly yell, “NO! GO AWAY!”; then run tell a grown-up who will get the person the help they need because the inappropriate person really needs a lot of help.

     I know some ladies and gentlemen who were touched in their most special places when they were young children and they told me how they felt the light in their hearts turn off when it happened. They did not like being touched! It took a very long time to turn the light back on in their heart. Keep your light shining bright! Remember to yell, “NO! GO AWAY!” It’s your super power! If somebody asks you to look at pictures with naked bodies yell, “NO! GO AWAY!” and keep the brain monster from ruining your life.

*I've read many articles before writing this blog and it would be very hard to put them all together for you. Please be sure to Google the information if you are not sure about the information I have shared because it is not my intention to lead any person astray.*

#dewcrewbooks #reactiveattachmentdisorder #developmentaltraumadisorder #complextraumadisorder #childrensbooks 

Life is but a Dream?

     Have you ever thought about the nursery song “Row your boat?” I’m going to remind you of the words if you haven’t heard it before. “Row, row, row your boat. Gently down the stream. Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily. Life is but a dream.” Interesting words! Have you ever felt like life is like a dream? I’ve lived a few more years on this planet than most of you. As I am entering my twilight years and looking back on my life, it does feel as if I’m living inside of a dream. I’ve seen so many life stories played out in front of me. I’ve watched people be born and I’ve watched as people have died. I’ve seen moments of joy and moments of sorrow. I’ve tried to control what will happen to me if I keep trying to make the right choices, but even at times when I was choosing what I thought to be the right things for myself, sometimes the choices did not turn out the way I wanted them to; sometimes I took a different path in life and ended up in situations beyond my control. Now I’m older and looking back on my life. I can see clearly where each of my choices led me.

     We all have different dreams and that’s what makes this world so diverse. What becomes normal to one person would seem completely crazy to another. Some people are born into different thinking patterns than their family or peers and they find a different path to take in their dream. I can only imagine how hard it would be to step into my sister’s body and start living her life. We both have good lives but her circumstances are so different from mine and we would not want to switch lives if the choice were given to us. I wouldn’t even know how to begin living her dream for her.

     Sometimes as parents we have a hard time letting go of the dreams we have for our children. We see their potential. We want what’s best for them but they want their freedom to live life the only way they know how to live it. They choose different paths to walk on. They choose different choices to learn from their own lessons in life.

      Some dreams can become nightmares. The freedom of choices can affect everybody in the dream. A choice somebody makes reminds me of watching a pebble drop into a bucket of water. The small splash in the middle has a ripple effect; and each ripple finally flows gently together around the inside of the bucket to become one united circle. If you make a great choice then you affect the lives of others in a good way but what if you make a bad choice? Can we repair damages from bad choices? I believe we can! People can always create a new dream. The best way to create a new dream is to ask for forgiveness from those who were hurt by the damage you created in the old dream. The best way to create a new dream is to move past the old dream to a better dream. Nobody needs to be stuck in a thought pattern unless they want to be stuck. Misery loves company! The choice to change your belief pattern is always a choice. There is no need to repeat the lesson learned from the old dream because you have already learned the lesson. If somebody hurt you… let it go. If life is too tough… ask for help. If you can’t find solutions… think outside the box. If life is unfair… then life is unfair. I’ve seen some amazing people in very unfair situations rise above them to become inspirations to others!

      Each day I wake up I am creating another new dream. When I go to sleep I’m never sure if I will wake up the next day but I usually do. Is life really a dream? If it is then we can change the direction of the dream by changing a thought. I’ve heard that if you are in the middle of a nightmare you can stop the nightmare by saying to yourself, “Wait… this is only a dream! I can wake myself up!” You can change the course of your new dream. I hope you can live merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily once you decide you can wake up to your new dreams.

#dewcrewbooks #reactiveattachmentdisorder #complextraumadisorder #developmentaltraumadisorder #childrensbooks

Teaching children of trauma to work

     I have many opportunities to join groups of women for discussions concerning the raising of children in our homes. Many discussions are focused on raising children who have not been affected by traumatic events. It is interesting to listen as they discuss the things that worked for my first three children who had not suffered any severe traumas in their childhoods. The suggestions of rewards, cute and colorful charts, praise or a special activity with mom were mentioned. I would normally agree with the ideas mentioned but after raising my last two children who had suffered from trauma I realized most of the methods for neuro-typical children would definitely not work for the last two children I had raised. I had to remain quiet with information I realized the other mothers would not understand; however, I did like a few of the suggestions they shared with one another.

     The first suggestion was to be an example and stand by their side as they learned how to work. It was mentioned to cook with the child, clean with the child, and use your imagination to try and make the work seem fun. What makes it hard for the mother raising a Reactive Attachment Disordered child? The answer is: The child will surely sabotage every learning experience the mother is trying to teach. There was one time I found my two little ones throwing dirt all over daddy’s clean driveway after he had finished mowing the lawn and swept the grass from the driveway and sidewalks. I decided to allow them to sweep the mess they had made while I went in the house to finish dinner. I handed my two little one’s brooms and off they went. The children showed up next to my side a few minutes later with wide grins on their faces to show me both brooms had been snapped in half! The dirt was still all over the driveway. Instead of feeling remorse it gave them great pleasure to show another punishment toward me. I realized it would have been mundane to give them a natural consequence to their bad behavior because I had just given them a natural consequence for bad behavior and it became my consequence. They ended up sitting Indian style facing different walls in my home to calm their over-stimulated brains. I knew trying to teach them about respecting property would have to come in a later moment when they were not gloating about their successful tirade against my simple instruction.

      Another idea was to give allowance charts. That would normally be a great idea for neuro-typical children but children from trauma don’t care about material things. If they want money they see no harm in removing it from somebody else. If they want a toy they see no harm in removing it from somebody else. If they want something to eat… well you get the point. It was survival for these kids. They had learned in the early years of life to survive. Stuff was just stuff to them. There was no value to hardly anything unless it had something to do with their past or if they could sell it to buy something they really wanted (usually without telling mommy they were buying something). If I found a special rock in their underwear drawer it remained there because apparently it was something special. It was hidden where people would not usually look. I also realized food should never be a punishment for these children… going without dinner is unacceptable when raising a child who was almost starved to death… even if the child is using their food as a catapult weapon.

     It’s important to teach a child how work can help them to feel accomplished. It can help them become successful and learn how to work along with others but children with brain injuries do not want to feel accomplished and they really don’t want to work along the side of others unless they have to. The best jobs in the world for children from trauma backgrounds is in isolated jobs away from others. Talking to people all day long or even listening to their conversations can trigger past memories too hard to deal with. They can be the hardest workers on the planet when they are doing something they want to do. They just have to find their own special place in this world to feel comfortable enough to enjoy the successes they can bring to themselves.

     One mother suggested children need a “why” when you ask them to work. She said the respect a child learns to give their parents in the home will be the respect the child will take out into the world. Children from trauma are terrified of love because usually the love from the first abusive parent didn’t feel very good. Sometimes the child was raised in an orphanage in another country where abusive techniques were used to keep them in line. Sometimes the child feels an obligation to the parent in prison they cannot see. Some children have seen parents die in war situations. Some children had a major life threatening surgery in their first three years of life and wondered why their mom and dad would let them suffer. Helping a child learn how to love again when they have been hurt is almost an impossible feat. It takes years of proving yourself to the hurt child. Respect usually comes along with wanting to please mom and dad because you love mom and dad.

     Parents want their children to be successful and take ownership of their own lives. They realize working affects the emotions of their child and makes them feel better if they feel productive. Parents have to be prepared for their trauma child to push back whenever they possibly can. Teaching trauma children the “why” is really hard when love and respect are taken out of the picture. It finally comes down to teaching through natural consequences. Most parents will run the forgotten assignment or lunch to the school because they will expect the child to make up the parent's time lost by doing an extra chore at the end of the day. The mother of the trauma child realizes the extra chore will become mom's chore and she doesn't want any more chores for her day. If a trauma child leaves their homework home it was on purpose because they do not want to meet the teacher’s expectations. It’s best for the parent of the trauma child to let them handle their own failures. It’s best to ask the child if they want help or would rather figure it out on their own because if a child can not learn to take care of their own life they will fail themselves on purpose. Suicide rates are high for these kids, drug addictions and alcohol misuse are probable and commitment is really hard for them. They fear being controlled in any way and that is really hard on relationships when they won’t budge from their survival mode.

     I would like to list the suggestions from the other ladies that just might work for trauma kids. Don’t make the cleaning journey too hard; take breaks and then go back to complete the job when it seems too long or too hard. Break the jobs up into smaller sessions, such as: clean the bathroom sink one day, the next day clean the bathroom mirror and the next day sweep the bathroom floor. Start your children working at a really young age. I had a one-year-old baby who loved to wipe a bench at my father’s cabin with a cloth when he saw the rest of us dusting. Always teach the trauma child that they will grow up one day and be on their own and need to learn how to take care of themselves, it needs to be all about them and nothing about family expectations. It could be a fun idea to allow the trauma child to make their own chart for self-care and cleaning. They don’t mind learning their own way and being in control of how they want their own day to go.

     My advice to parents raising children from trauma backgrounds? It’s okay when parenting a child from trauma to be disliked for a better purpose, don’t ever take it personally! Develop your tougher skin and keep marching forward; and better yet… stay happy to teach them how to be happy.

#dewcrewbooks #reactiveattachmentdisorder #complextraumadisorder #developmentaltraumadisorder #childrensbooks