I have many opportunities to join groups of women for discussions
concerning the raising of children in our homes. Many discussions are focused
on raising children who have not been affected by traumatic events. It is
interesting to listen as they discuss the things that worked for my first three
children who had not suffered any severe traumas in their childhoods. The
suggestions of rewards, cute and colorful charts, praise or a special activity
with mom were mentioned. I would normally agree with the ideas mentioned but
after raising my last two children who had suffered from trauma I realized most
of the methods for neuro-typical children would definitely not work for the
last two children I had raised. I had to remain quiet with information I realized
the other mothers would not understand; however, I did like a few of the
suggestions they shared with one another.
The first suggestion was to be an example and stand by their side as
they learned how to work. It was mentioned to cook with the child, clean with
the child, and use your imagination to try and make the work seem fun. What
makes it hard for the mother raising a Reactive Attachment Disordered child?
The answer is: The child will surely sabotage every learning experience the
mother is trying to teach. There was one time I found my two little ones
throwing dirt all over daddy’s clean driveway after he had finished mowing the
lawn and swept the grass from the driveway and sidewalks. I decided to allow
them to sweep the mess they had made while I went in the house to finish
dinner. I handed my two little one’s brooms and off they went. The children
showed up next to my side a few minutes later with wide grins on their faces to
show me both brooms had been snapped in half! The dirt was still all over the
driveway. Instead of feeling remorse it gave them great pleasure to show
another punishment toward me. I realized it would have been mundane to give
them a natural consequence to their bad behavior because I had just given them
a natural consequence for bad behavior and it became my consequence. They ended
up sitting Indian style facing different walls in my home to calm their
over-stimulated brains. I knew trying to teach them about respecting property
would have to come in a later moment when they were not gloating about their
successful tirade against my simple instruction.
Another idea was to give allowance charts. That would normally be a
great idea for neuro-typical children but children from trauma don’t care about
material things. If they want money they see no harm in removing it from
somebody else. If they want a toy they see no harm in removing it from somebody
else. If they want something to eat… well you get the point. It was survival
for these kids. They had learned in the early years of life to survive. Stuff
was just stuff to them. There was no value to hardly anything unless it had
something to do with their past or if they could sell it to buy something they
really wanted (usually without telling mommy they were buying something). If I
found a special rock in their underwear drawer it remained there because
apparently it was something special. It was hidden where people would not
usually look. I also realized food should never be a punishment for these
children… going without dinner is unacceptable when raising a child who was
almost starved to death… even if the child is using their food as a catapult
weapon.
It’s important to teach a child how work can help them to feel
accomplished. It can help them become successful and learn how to work along
with others but children with brain injuries do not want to feel accomplished
and they really don’t want to work along the side of others unless they have
to. The best jobs in the world for children from trauma backgrounds is in
isolated jobs away from others. Talking to people all day long or even
listening to their conversations can trigger past memories too hard to deal
with. They can be the hardest workers on the planet when they are doing
something they want to do. They just have to find their own special place in
this world to feel comfortable enough to enjoy the successes they can bring to
themselves.
One mother suggested children need a “why” when you ask them to work.
She said the respect a child learns to give their parents in the home will be
the respect the child will take out into the world. Children from trauma are
terrified of love because usually the love from the first abusive parent didn’t
feel very good. Sometimes the child was raised in an orphanage in another country where abusive techniques were used to keep them in line. Sometimes the child feels an obligation to the parent in prison they cannot see. Some children have seen parents die in war situations. Some children had a major life threatening surgery in their first three years of life and wondered why their mom and dad would let them suffer. Helping a child learn how to love again when they have been
hurt is almost an impossible feat. It takes years of proving yourself to the
hurt child. Respect usually comes along with wanting to please mom and dad
because you love mom and dad.
Parents want their children to be successful and
take ownership of their own lives. They realize working affects the emotions of
their child and makes them feel better if they feel productive. Parents have to
be prepared for their trauma child to push back whenever they possibly can.
Teaching trauma children the “why” is really hard when love and respect are
taken out of the picture. It finally comes down to teaching through natural
consequences. Most parents will run the forgotten assignment or lunch to the
school because they will expect the child to make up the parent's time lost by doing an
extra chore at the end of the day. The mother of the trauma child realizes the extra chore will become mom's chore and she doesn't want any more chores for her day. If a trauma child leaves their homework home
it was on purpose because they do not want to meet the teacher’s expectations.
It’s best for the parent of the trauma child to let them handle their own
failures. It’s best to ask the child if they want help or would rather figure
it out on their own because if a child can not learn to take care of their own
life they will fail themselves on purpose. Suicide rates are high for these
kids, drug addictions and alcohol misuse are probable and commitment is really
hard for them. They fear being controlled in any way and that is really hard on
relationships when they won’t budge from their survival mode.
I would like to list the suggestions from the other ladies that just
might work for trauma kids. Don’t make the cleaning journey too hard; take
breaks and then go back to complete the job when it seems too long or too hard.
Break the jobs up into smaller sessions, such as: clean the bathroom sink one
day, the next day clean the bathroom mirror and the next day sweep the bathroom
floor. Start your children working at a really young age. I had a one-year-old
baby who loved to wipe a bench at my father’s cabin with a cloth when he saw
the rest of us dusting. Always teach the trauma child that they
will grow up one day and be on their own and need to learn how to take care of
themselves, it needs to be all about them and nothing about family
expectations. It could be a fun idea to allow the trauma child to make their
own chart for self-care and cleaning. They don’t mind learning their own way
and being in control of how they want their own day to go.
My advice to parents raising children from trauma backgrounds? It’s okay
when parenting a child from trauma to be disliked for a better purpose, don’t
ever take it personally! Develop your tougher skin and keep marching forward;
and better yet… stay happy to teach them how to be happy.
#dewcrewbooks #reactiveattachmentdisorder
#complextraumadisorder #developmentaltraumadisorder #childrensbooks
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